No courter, no matter how godly and loving can complete your walk with God for you. I recall the first month I accepted Christ as my personal Saviour. Everything was well and got even ‘better’ when I was approached by a brother (one of the preachers in the church). Well I had accepted God and was living a ‘godly’ life…I guess the next step is to get a brother who is also dedicated and most importantly will help me strenthen my walk with God. The relationship went on about three to four months. Fast forward to a youth camp later that year, I met another brother (total opposite of the preacher). While still involved with the brother A, I accepted his proposal. Shocking isn’t it? It gets even worse. Anyway since honesty is the best policy after modesty as they say, I confessed to brother A that I met brother B and wish to continue my relationship with him instead.
Oh well, it was a long distance relationship but I ‘loved’ him, he attracted methemere than the preacher. So I figured he was the one or why would God allow me to feel for him that way right? As I said it was a long distance relationship of only meeting in June and December holidays…so you can conclude that the brother was no longer ‘feeling’ it.
Things got a little bit messy after that heart break of course. Especially with varsity coming, the timing couldn’t just be perfect. I went from one relationship to another promising one. From ‘I love you’ to ‘I need you’ to ‘I don’t know what my life would be without you’. In any case time passed and so did the relationships.
I came to my senses- if that’s what we mean by coming to church every Sabbath, reading my Bible and even venturing to some reforms. Things really seemed to be working out just as God wills. I got baptized later that year. My life was ‘truly’ dedicated and committed to God. And I wanted to grow even more, especially to do missionary service. And oh well, what a coincidence; brother C who is in the mission field proposed a courtship.
During the period of coming back to my senses I had been reading a lot about courtship- to know what it is, its principles and its beauty in harmony with God’s will and guidance. I should say, I did grow greatly spiritually or I would like to have believed I was growing considering the conversations, bible studies, fasting, devotions and prayer we shared.
The courtship went on for about two months and well, like it prayerfully begun, it was prayerfully ended. It had to end or I was going to continue a relationship with brother D before I ended it with brother C.I knew i was easily attracted, and because of the character of Christ he displayed i found myself being rebuked of continuing the courtship with my
lustful desires in mind. Nothing had happened yet (atleast officially) but my eyes were seeing and my feelings were giggling over other men. I felt this sincerity of fighting this weakness and thought it best i fight alone then when i have conquered i will commit myself. And to my surprise i did...…for a while ofcourse.
Fortunately for the brothers (as attracted as I was to them, believing it was meant to be that way or why else would God permit this sensuality) neither of them approached me or else history would have repeated itself, like with brother A.
Mission came; most was in place and some wasn’t (story coming soon -Confession of the night in the mission camp). However, that couldn’t hinder the work of the Lord certainly. Surprisingly there was no brother D to find attractive enough to pin under God’s opposed will of intimacy. Then there goes brother D simply offering his help and sister T is already hooked. She is REALLY in deep mess and totally shifts from lessons learnt from mission to total concentration if not total obsession to brother D. He sees the danger approaching and quickly calls it quits on communication. Just like brother C, he is saved from being a victim of another brother E.
Talking of brother E,here he comes and became more than hope but reality. True man of God, highly devoted and like brother C, leads holy conversations. Brother E courts me prayerfully for a period of 4 months until due to my attraction to brother F. The difference this time is Brother F,doesnt propose to me,we just deciding to go with the flaw. And boy do we know what that means.Brother F is not steady and calls it off less than 3 weeks and well if I remember well, the last prayer was when I ended my relationship with brother E. Until now when God spoke through me the past week and decided to offload.
I don’t know how talking about it will help. All I know is only God can convict and convert a soul to truly live a Christ-like life.
I entered many relationships with the hope that they will tighten or rather complete my walk with Christ, but always I fell back because I was never truly converted. I still lusted after men. I still sought for their attention and was always in their company.the thought that getting a preacher would encourage me to repent more, a missionary would help me to find an identity in Christ’s vineyard and a devoted man will help me continue to the vows I have made with God.
Oh how wrong I was and many other sisters I know and might not know. The devil truly knows our weaknesses and brings them as a form of a spiritual revival, when it’s actually a cover-up for the sins we rejoice in. it is clear that I always had a desire of a man. Hence I never lasted in any of the relationships that were godly centred.
I was never complete in my walk with God personally, how did I expect another individual to sacrifice Isaac for me, if my heart was still concerned about the lamb?
By:Thubelihle
Originally shared here
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