I'm in search for this place-maybe it's within me, I don't know. But I am in search.
I envision this place to be where I'd be 'me' all the time! I know what you think--no,no I'm not pretentious!But at times I feel like I suppress so much. I hate that I've got to fully get to know a person and even trust them before I can be truly be myself. I just wish it was easy to just have honest conversations about where we are in life-emotionally and spiritually without it seeming like you murmuring or without the fear of being judged.
I hate that you can suffer in silence while surrounded by people. I don't like the fact that we are so determined on 'preserving' the self-image we've created of ourselves (or others have created) that we end up suffering and at times to the point where you break. And if you do open up to someone, you also feel guilty that you are burdening them.
I want to cry regardless of where I am. Even now I want to cry as I'm typing this. I've got a feeling that life shouldn't be this hard. I go around wishing at times that someone had prepared me. Just to let me know about the realities of life so that when I face them, it wouldn't hurt that much.
I want genuineness. To just be able to be honest without having to sometimes look back and doubt myself or wonder if I was wrong. I mean how does one get to a point where you don't have to feel the burden to care about other people's feelings so much that you end compromising yourself-in a wrong way? Someone school me!
To just be. To be in a space where I'm not proving anything.
To be in a space where I can say something and not have to think about what others might be thinking and have to rewrite or change a few lines-like I just did now, in case I come across 'less' Christian. But perhaps that's where the whole problem lies; depending on myself to 'seem' like instead of just being me.
I'll pause here for now.
