Are we raising our male children the same way we are doing with our girls? Part 1

This was the discussion on S.A fm this morning-it was very insightful and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I only had one argument concerning this question and it was-still is,NO!A friend made me realise this,as I was too blind to even notice-but the difference in rearing both girls and boys has been there-at least in the black community.

Argument 1: The parents tend to be strict when raising their girls.They set curfews for girls, they set clear chores, and often girls are taught to be responsible:taking care of themselves.Nothing wrong with this way of rearing girls as we need responsible women who will play a pivotal role in society.On the negative:In most cases,the grip is loosened when raising a male child-he’s not taught to be governed by rules, no curfews are set out for him,and he can do as much as he pleases,with discipline here and there.

Parents might feel like the world is against the female child:if she falls pregnant,her life changes and is put on a standstill.Sounds fair I know.But the reality is:girls do not get themselves pregnant.It is the male child that impregnates-so he ought to be taught to be responsible too.When both are clear of the responsibility,then we are able to solve the issue.The male child would realise his role in improving society,thus making good choices.

Society,to a large degree,conditions the female child to conduct herself such that she’d be a good wife with dignity.Wrong way of rearing the female child–of course my approach is from a Christian perspective,which supports that both males and females should be brought up in the fear of the Lord,for it is Him who seeks us to be pure and holy ,with the aid He offers.
The male is not conditioned to take responsibility;perhaps the desire was to teach the male child to be responsible through certain rites of passages,but the period is too short.Males should be prepared from childhood too,and the outcome will be balanced. Instead, we currently have a majority of males who live recklessly–some carelessly having children,and when they finally decide to change their ways (which is plausible),there’s an imbalance:one who is prepared for a healthy
relationship(marriage) and one who is not.Perhaps,that sometimes lead to divorce–I’m not sure.

Argument 2:Parents want to outsource their children to institutions such as the school and the church,while they fold their hands and do nothing.

Said another caller and I thoroughly concur.Children are raising themselves these days.Parenting is limited to providing the needs of a child.My brother and I used to be amazed at how children from our street would be playing from morning till sunset during school vacation.Weren’t their parents bothered by the children’s absence?When do parents pass down values,when children are away majority of the time?

[Parents] should calmly consider what provision can be made for their children. They

have no right to bring children into the world to be a burden to others.-CCh,p.144

 

What then is the duty of the mother? (From counsels–been studying this for a while,and I had vowed to not write about things I have no experience of;thankfully,this is counsel from God,not my opinions):

The sphere of the mother may be humble; but her influence, united with the fathe

r’s,is as abiding as eternity.Next to God,the mother’s power for good is the strongest known on earth.-Counsels to the Church,E.G.White,p.144

A Christian mother will ever be wide awake to discern the dangers that surround her children.She will keep her own soul in a pure,holy,atmosphere; she will regulate her temper and principles by the word of God and will faithfully do her duty,living above the petty temptations which will assail her.-CCH,p.144

For more counsel on motherhood: Child Guidance by E.G White will come in handy.

The father’s role?

Levels of cuteness:).My dad was this type :)-story for another day.

To the man who is a husband and a father, I would say, Be sure tha

t a pure, holy

atmosphere surrounds your soul. You are to learn daily of Christ. Never, never are you

to show a tyrannical spirit in the home. The man who does this is working in partnership

with satanic agencies. Bring your will into submission to the wil

l of God. Do all in your

power to make the life of your wife pleasant and happy. Take the word of God as the

man of your counsel. In the home live out the teachings of the word. Then you will live

them out in the church and will take them with you to your

place of business. The

principles of heaven will ennoble all your transactions. Angels of God will cooperate with

you, helping you to reveal Christ to the world.(Counsels to the Church,E.G.White,p.146)

Therefore,parenting is team work:

The father’s duty to his children cannot be transferred to the mother. If she performs

her own duty, she has burden enough

to bear. Only by working in unison can the father

and mother accomplish the work which God has committed to their hands.-CCh,p146

 

The father should not excuse himself from his part in the work of educating his

children for life and immortality. He must

share in the responsibility. There is obligation

for both father and mother. There must be love and respect manifested by the parents

for one another, if they would see these qualities developed in their children.-CCh,p.146

Father’s responsibility to his sons:

The father of boys should co

me into close contact with his sons, giving them the

benefit of his larger experience and talking with them in such simplicity and tenderness

that he binds them to his heart. He should let them see that he has their best interest,

their happiness, in view all the time-CCh,p.146

He who has a family of boys must understand that, whatever his calling, he is never

to neglect the souls placed in his care. He has brought these children into the world and

has made himself responsible to God to do everything in

his power to keep them from

unsanctified associations, from evil companionship. He should not leave his restless

boys wholly to the care of the mother. This is too heavy a burden for her. He must

arrange matters for the best interests of the mother and th

e children. It may be very

hard for the mother to exercise self

control and to manage wisely in the training of her

children. If this is the case, the father should take more of the burden upon his soul. He

should be determined to make the most decided eff

orts to save his children.-CCh,p.146

Sobering statements honestly,they make my heart quiver with fear–not too late for those who’ve erred and those who are not yet parents.

Image Resources:

boca4kids.com

http://www.express.co.uk

blogs.babycenter.com

On Fatherhood

I came across a beautiful blogpost on fatherhood-it features  three people sharing their views on fatherhood .They also share about the type of relationship they have with their own fathers.....check it out here.

It brought a lot of memories,thoughts,and emotions-mainly concerning my relationship with my father.My father and I haven't always been close.Our relationship has been up and down,and for some time I was angry.I didn't understand why he couldn't be like other fathers;but my view on fatherhood wasn't even right.I thought of a father as one whose duty was to provide financially only.It's more.Fatherhood should be like how God is to us-chastening,loving,showing interest in us-intimate.So,it just got to a point where we operated on a level where I'd speak to him if I needed something,since he wasn't always there,etc.But to cut the story short:I learnt that I also have a role to play in our relationship.I also have to reach out and since then,he has been awesome-ALWAYS coming through for me at the right time.So,I'm really glad of the man is he is becoming.Not quite perfect,but thankful that it's better.

It's sad that most of us have never really experienced what having a father is;but I'm thankful that God is able to heal us-although sometimes you are not even aware of the damage caused until you reflect.

Below,I share some lessons I learnt from a book on fatherhood :).The post was shared on Facebook a while ago.

“It is not exaggeration to say that fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation.It is the engine driving our most social problems.”-Fath
erless America,David Blankenhorn

I came across two beautiful books today:Dad-the power and beauty of authentic fatherhood,by Craig Wilkison.The second book is titled Conversations with My Sons and Daughters by Mamphela Ramphele.I’ve only started reading the first one and I could not put it down.
You know when you are reading a book and you keep jotting down statements that move you but you then realize you are writing every paragraph in a page,that you just have stop?That’s the beauty of the book on fatherhood.I really recommend it for males who’ve never met their fathers,have poor relations with their fathers,or those who’d like to be great fathers one day;or some of you like me,who’ve not always had a father figure in their lives.

For now,I can say the book seeks to redeem true manlihood and fatherhood.It’s really touching.One thing that stood out for me is the realization that,most absent fathers/passive fathers have been wounded by their own fathers and they don’t know better.As much as this is not an excuse,it’s the reality of many fathers.Most do not know their fathers,some have never had meaningful relationships with their fathers and all this has transferred to the type of fathers they are.It’s a cycle which must be broken.The book also looks at manhood termed ‘masculinity’ in the book.I love how it describes it.

I’ve learnt that a father fills a very important role in a child’s life.In fact, I’ve since learnt that to a certain degree,the state of society is the result of missing / passive fathers.I’ll share some of the statements that really meant much to me and have helped me understand this whole fatherhood thing.

“The greatest predictor of social pathology in children is fatherlessness,greater even than poverty.”- Craig Wilkinson

“The most reliable predictor for gang activity and youth violence is neither social class nor race or education but fatherlessness.”-Fatherless Generation,John Sowers

“True masculinity is not determined by how much physical strength a man has  but rather the strength of his character.It is not a matter of how much wealth or power a man has but what he does with the wealth and power that he does have.A truly masculine man is not one who boasts of many conquests but one who keeps commitment to one woman.True masculinity is humble. It is unafraid to apologise and admit wrong.It is not about dominance but service;it is seen in the doing,not in the saying.”-Craig Wilkinson

“Whether physical or sexual ,verbal or psychological,abuse in any form is grounded in a distorted view of masculinity and perpetrated by very wounded men.Some forms of abuse can be subtle,like sarcasm and cutting remarks;some forms can appear passive,like sulking and withdrawing.The effect of all abuse is to destroy self-esteem and identity of the victim.It’s tragic to think that the beautiful gift of strength that man have given can bring harm to the very lives they are tasked to protect .”-Craig

I do hope that we'll get to a point where men are intentionally choosing to be good-whether single,married-it can change much.I also hope I'll stop talking about manhood since I'm not a man LOL...but can I though -since how men act affects me and vice versa?None is exclusive honestly,and I care that much hey :).

BLACK MEN,WHERE ARE YOU?

I don't know what is happening,but black men-mainly amaXhosa (cause they are the ones I'm familiar with) seem to be confused by the word "father" and what it entails.

I've met about a handful of ladies who do not have proper relationships with their fathers.The main reason is,the fathers aren't playing any role in their lives.Some live with both parents but the mother is the one that takes care of all the children's needs even though the father is working.

A father of a friend has never really supported her financially or otherwise.He has never expressed any happiness in the child's successes-like passing matric and graduating.

When have women become the heads?The sad things is, these men often work for better salaries than their wives yet they refuse to give a cent to the household.And I cannot help but wonder,why?Who forced these men to get married?No,Why did they marry ,if they are not willing to take responsibility?They live as if they are bachelors yet they are husbands and fathers as well.

All I can blame is sin-selfishness!

Also,most of these men are repeating a cycle from their upbringing.Some,have never even known their fathers and they know the pain of having an absent father in one's life but they still do it anyway!It's sad because the children end up wondering,"Why did God give me this father?'.Even in my life,there has been instances when I thought,why did my mom marry him?Why did it have to be him?

These men will let their children go hungry while they sit and do nothing.Or while they have the means to provide for them.This I can never comprehend.And the sad thing is ,this is a lifestyle their sons will follow(not all).

Even sadder is a young man who has had no male figure in his life who goes around sleeping with girls and then escaping from the responsibility.This is one sad situation,and then we have some of these children growing up to be a problem in the society.BUT I MUST ADD,SUCH BEHAVIOUR IS NOT EXCUSABLE BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY!

There has been times in my life when I wished I had the choice to decide who my father was.And there have been many hurtful experiences that have left me wondering,how does one do this to his own child-flesh and blood?

And sadly some girls who grow up in such situations never heal.They go around looking for ways to erase the hurt.But I've found out that a boyfriend is NOT a cure and he will NEVER be, no matter how caring and loving he is:neither will alcohol,drugs or riches.God is the only one who can-because He created you and you are  his own.

To those who have fathers like these:hate will never solve anything.Two wrongs don't make a right.Furthermore.vengeance will not change matters.Instead,ask God to heal and mend your heart because:"The Lord is closer to the broken-hearted"(Psalm34:18) and He can heal every wound because He made and you will never be complicated for Him.Instead,get up from the dust and make something out of your life.

Also,Proverbs counsels us that:

Proverbs 25:21-22New International Version (NIV)

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;
    if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.
22 In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head,

    and the Lord will reward you. 

Ladies,mothers,aunts,grandmothers,cousins,sisters:let us pray for our fathers,brothers,uncles and every MALE; so that God helps them to be better men.

To the men who are guilty:ask forgiveness from God and to those you have hurt.

And ladies,LET us pray that God gives us husbands that will not repeat the same mistakes our fathers have made!